New Dog, Old Tricks

Sometimes, I just get really sick of average. Yeah, I know. I live in Africa. Not too much here is what I could consider “average.” Still, every so often, I get this urge to find or to make something new. Call it a creative soul. Call it an overactive mind. Call it what you want, but sometimes I just need something original, something novel and beautiful.

Maybe, I'm not alone. I see traces of it all over social media. Even if we realize that people probably don't care about half of the things we say, we still blog, tweet, and instagram by impulse. We just want to be heard, to be “liked,” to say, to show and to hear something worthwhile. We want to belong while simultaneously standing out for our originality. We want to make people think twice about their everyday and look past their own eyes for a second. Or maybe, that's just me.

Every now and then, we get a glimpse of something noteworthy. We paint that lovely sunset. We blog that rich thought. We write down those lyrics and put it to music. We try so hard to make something new while simultaneously trying to avoid being deemed weird. << Lord forbid we become weird! I'm sure God never intended any such differentiation. >> (For those of you who don't get sarcasm, I have created a << sarcasm >> indicator for your clarity.)

Still, our most novel things are, at best, an echo of something else. That painting was inspired by something. That fresh new outfit is vintage. That new movie is a rewritten book. Our conversations are the same, just in a different context.

At the end of the day, we're not so original after all. Even this very blog, it's been said. It was written ages ago. It's why I love the book of Ecclesiastes so much. It confronts our seemingly endless cycles while applauding mankind's everyday efforts:

The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing. That which has been is that which will be, and that which has been done is that which will be done. So there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which one might say, 'See this, it is new'? Already it has existed for ages which were before us. There is no remembrance of earlier things; And also of the later things which will occur, there will be for them no remembrance among those who will come later still. (Ecc 1:8-11)

It sounds a little depressing, but it's where my mind goes sometimes. What is our time worth? Even if I was talented, could I ever really create? At my best, will I only copy?

Probably.

Maybe, the better question is: who am I copying? Am I copying a copy of a sunset or am I looking straight at its glory for myself? If I must copy, I've decided to go the Original, God Himself. I'll take an example from the Preacher of Ecclesiates, pondering, writing out truth, and fearing God.
“In addition to being a wise man, the Preacher also taught the people knowledge; and he pondered, searched out and arranged many proverbs. The Preacher sought to find delightful words and to write words of truth correctly...The conclusion, when all has been heard is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person.” (Ecc 12:10,13)

He'll Come Like the Rain

Raaaaaaain! 

Many aspects of life in BK make the culture of Bible times so much more relevant. On any ordinary day, I may see ladies drawing water from a well, separating grain from the chaff, riding donkeys, plowing fields, and even sacrificing to idols. One of the things that really hits home while reading, especially this time of year, is the importance of water and of rain. 

It can be depressingly hot and dry this time of year, especially when there's no hope of rain for months. Since living here, I have begun to understand the real dependence on the Father to provide rain, both in the physical and spiritual sense. The references in the Word to rain, its effects, and our dependence become so much more clear and beautiful as I read: 

-That same day the Lord sent thunder and rain. So all the people stood in awe (1 Sam 12:18)
-They waited for me as for showers and drank in my words as the spring rain (Job 29:23)
-Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, Lord our God. (Jer. 14:22)
-Let us press on to acknowledge Him... He will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth.” (Hos 6:3)
-But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He. . . sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. (Matt 5:44-45)
-Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven. . .and fills your hearts with joy. (Acts 14:17)
-Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. (James 5:7)

So, as the skies finally cloud up and rain begins to fall, I soak it in and am reminded of just how helpless I am out here. I can't change people's hearts. I can't make it rain. As we pray, though, God will send the rain to fall on our crazy-dry land. It's amazing how quickly things change with a little bit of rain! He will water the seeds. He will create streams of life-giving water in us. As He comes like the rain, He will fill our hearts with joy. 

Let's Think About It

"Lean with it, rock with it. 

When we gonna stop with it?

Lyrics that mean nothing, we were gifted with thought. 

Is it time to move our feet to an introspective beat?

It ain't the speakers that bump hearts

It's our hearts that make the beat."

My sentiments, exactly, Twenty | One | Pilots. 

As I said in the last blog, music is important to me. I love how good music can be so complex. It's not just something that makes you want to dance around a room but also real poetry that makes you think. Good music, in contrast to things like Rebecca Black's Friday, is thought-provoking, moving us more deeply than just physically.

When my friends came to Africa for a visit, one of my top requests (along with coffee and cereal) was good music. It was a great request, too, because my friends have impeccable taste. They introduced me to what quickly has become one of my favorite bands: Twenty | One | Pilots.

(check them out here, you know you want to....)

Seriously. They're awesome, but with darker tones to their songs, it's not a band that would likely be on typical Christian radio stations. Still, their lyrics openly talk of many Christian themes: a loving God, the hopeless state of man, need for salvation from a higher being, the battle of the flesh against faith, the battle in every person's mind, restoration of broken people, and so on. For me, it's been a worshipful few days constantly hitting the "repeat" button on my iPod.

One of the things I appreciate about their music is the plea to make thinkers of us. They draw lyrics from a lot of dark places of over-thinking, depression, and fear, but they also speak into these dark places. They sing a certain hope to broken people. They encourage people to seek truth, even in the darkness.
I appreciate that.

As good music should, it made me think. What message is our Christian music sending? What message are we, as the Church, sending? Is it bubblegum versions of a happy wonderland of life in Jesus? Is it, "trust Jesus and never face darkness again"? Is that really the whole truth? Are we skipping ahead in God's epic?

We're all guilty of it, myself included. It's easy to hang things on a "happily ever after," because in reality, there is one. But, are we really at the end of the story, the "happily ever after," or are we just at the rising action, where the story gets interesting? Sometimes, I get the feeling our gospel leaves out the needed complications of the story. Sometimes, our message seems to lead members of our own fellowship to hide the very struggle that makes the Good News great: salvation for broken people in a fallen world.

Let's think about it. Let's be brave with our music and our lives. Let's not run from the dragons of the world or help them to hide. They like the shadows. They're just going create havoc if we don't acknowledge them. Let's face them, instead, armed with Christ as our Excalibur. Let's tell the true and truly good story. Jesus isn't just salvation for once and done. He's salvation for the everyday. He's the Light of the World, able to illuminate the darkest of places.

Sing the Gospel

One of my favorite things has always been to sing/play/listen to good music. For as long as I can remember, it's been a key activity for the McDonald Clan. My brother and I grew from jumping around the living room to 80's hits to singing and playing our own duets. My mom would frequently conduct orchestras while driving (dangerous, I know) or burst into song and dance while in the kitchen (which proved to be equally dangerous). Every night, I would be tucked in with a ballad from at least one parent. We were never without music in our house.

So, it makes sense that nothing makes me feel at home like a good song. Even being a continent away from my family, music is still important to me. If the lyrics are rich, it resonates that much more. I enjoy frequently finding a new song, learning to play it (albeit poorly), and sharing it with my roommate, who graciously listens. 

A few months ago, I was introduced to a lovely song called "Sing the Gospel," and I recently stumbled back upon it. Now, it won't leave my head, and I'm not sure I want it to. I recorded it just for kicks one particularly slow day. If you'd like to graciously listen, feel free. If not, my feelings aren't hurt, I assure you. 

Justice Served Fresh

I've always had a soft spot for the marginalized and the oppressed. Since having moved to Africa, injustice hits me that much harder, because I encounter it so frequently. Almost daily, I see a number of things that just make me want to scream:Boys are "taken in" by schools and sent out to beg. If they accept my bread for themselves instead of money for the mosques, they may be beaten. A man takes another wife without informing his first (or second or third) wife. These women are beaten for being less-than-obedient. An orphaned family member is treated like a servant because she has nowhere else to go. Government officials fill their pockets with aid money. A woman selling water gets mobbed because a generous person bought water "for everyone" without thinking that there wasn't actually enough for everyone. 

And these are just the few stories I hear.The list goes on, but it's not limited to the third world. We shudder from stories we hear of the West: a man who shoots school children, people trampled in shopping malls, murder "justified" for one reason or another, etc. Does it ever stop? Living here (and really anywhere if you look deep enough) can quickly make you one of two extremes: furious or apathetic. Admittedly, I've been both.

All the hurt drove me to the Word of God for answers. This year, I'm reading through the Bible and focusing on God's perspective on the matter of right, wrong, and justice. I mean, if it breaks my heart, how can God stand it? He hears the hidden tears of victims every day. I just hear emotionlessly recounted stories. Their blood cries out to Him directly. I often have no clue. 

From what I've seen, it all boils down to love. I should've seen that coming. After all, God is love, right?. But to dig a bit deeper, I've seen true depth in His justice. No one can ever claim that God is apathetic to right and wrong. He hears, He cares deeply, and He acts with a vengeance against wrong. He establishes laws to protect the poor, the slaves, the unloved, and even the land. Truly, injustice in the Old Testament seems to merit death, exile, or intense punishment. As bystanders, most of us would heartily agree. You can't just let people get away with these things!

So, what about today? Why hasn't God just zapped the modern slave traders, the oppressors, the murderers? I think the better question is this: do we really want Him to? Are you really just a bystander? Have you ever taken advantage of someone? said an unkind word? lusted after someone? let your selfishness hurt someone? hated someone? Have you ever been too proud to even apologize for these things?

Then, the question is this: why hasn't God zapped you and me?

There it is, again: Love. 

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Rom 5:8)

God was in the ultimate conflict. He is the perfect judge who loves and values all people. He cares infinitely about the person you're slandering, hating, and using. We are an unjust, evil lot, and He really should destroy us. But he cares about us. Conflict. How can He let us get away with all we do to one another? It's not right!In the Old Testament, He allowed scapegoats... Literally. Purified goats to take on the His people's sin. They were killed or exiled after taking on the people's sins. Wrong is serious. There must be restitution. These goats were punished, and justice was served. But was that enough? The people had to continually slaughter these animals. How could dead goats ever change dead hearts? 

Enter, Jesus, Father God incarnate. He lived the perfect life. He stepped into the darkest parts of our world and personally experienced great injustices. He met needs in His life, and He solved The Conflict with His death. He is the scapegoat for all humanity. He overcame death to prove His legitimacy and to show that with Him we can overcome. If we let Him be our scapegoat, He goes one further. More than just die for our injustices, He also promises to change our hearts. Good deeds may be nice, but they don't change who we are. At the end of the day, we're all unjust people. There are no innocent juries, no bystanders. In Christ, God gives us the power to become what we could never be: just with God and one another. 

So, for me living life, justice means listening to the Father's example of love. It means caring about people enough to stand up for what's right while simultaneously bringing the wrong-doers to restoration. That's a God-sized task.

That's not my name

*insert Ting Ting's song*

They call me Mariam...

They call me Reese...

They call me Stan...

They call me Dot...

...that's not my name.

That's not my name.

That's not my name.

That's not my.... name.

Ridiculous songs aside, it's a funny on-going discussion in Team BK as to whether or not names important. As one who easily forgets people's names, I wish they weren't. I mean, I remember people's words and life stories with no problems. So, if I forget someone's name but can tell you all about them, it's no big deal, right? Unfortunately, It seems that I'm the only one with that opinion. I may feel no need to defend the correct pronunciation of my name, but others really get angry about it. So what if Burkinabé give me a new name? If it's easier for them to remember and shout at me in the market, that's cool with me.

So, hear my thoughts: What is a name, really? Is it just some words my parents gave to distinguish me from other kids in a crowd? Does it prophesy my destiny?

Shouldn't I still be the same person, even if you forget my name? Does it change who I am to call me by something else? I mean, call a chair: a chair, sigilan dò, une chaise, or whatever you choose. You're still going to sit in it all the same.

As I've been reading through and studying the book of Daniel, this idea really stuck out in light of our running discussion. To set the scene, the Israelites are in Babylonian exile. From among a bright, young group of people we see four Jews that really stuck out: Haananiah, Mishael, Azariah, and Daniel.

As they entered their new home, the Babylonians tried to redefine them. In fact, Shadrach, Meshack and Abed-Nego are probably better cemented in history by their Babylonian names. However, we don't see it changing who the Lord had made them. In spite of the fact that Babylonians called them stuff like "Belonging to Aku" or "Servant of Nego," these youths didn't change. In the integrity of their lifestyles, they proved that they still owned their true names:
-"God is my judge"
-"God has been gracious"
-"Who is who God is?"
-"God has helped"

So, it's encouraging to me regardless of what people or culture may say that you are, you don't have to play into that identity. In Christ, God has called you His child, righteous, and loved. That's quite the name.


" The one who is victorious I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will they leave it. I will write on them the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on them my new name."

-Rev 3:12

Legalism, the Gospel, and Disordered Eating

I wrote down my story quite a while back, but have yet to do anything with it. It's a bit long, I know, but it's my life. Wherever you may find yourself, today, I hope that it can give you hope and encouragement. For those of you who don't really like to read, I made a recording just for you. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or shoot me an email: 

             As one who became a Christian at a relatively early age, I sort of envied people who have the dramatic conversion stories. The ones which make a person just throw up their fists and say, “Right on, God!” I’m telling you now, as one who’s seen some scary places of bondage: never envy someone else’s story. The Lord has allowed you to walk through the things you have for a reason. I would never change my past, but walking through these places is not something I would advise. Learning God’s principles by listening to what Christ has said is really ideal. Unfortunately, I tend to run my own way full-throttle.

I am writing because I do not want to begin to justify enslavement to food and health as “a phase” that I could have gotten through myself. I tried. In fact, the more I tried to control my situation, the worse it became. If there is anything that I want you to get from this it is to turn to Jesus with your wounds, right away. Don’t pick at them until you’re bleeding out. Without a doubt, the Father heals the hurting. He binds up the brokenhearted. So, why not go to Him first? He created you. He knows how you really work. He knows exactly what is or is not wrong with you. He has infinite power to remedy. Why can’t we just trust Him to do what He has said? He has always proved Himself in the past, hasn’t He?!

This is just one example of God’s faithfulness. To begin, I must say, my intent was good. I wanted to honor God with my body. I wanted Christ to be my sole sufficiency, but somehow this desire was twisted to a crippling self-reliance. Satan used his half-truths to reel me far away from the truth and from God who loves me.

a healthy 120lbs

I remember where it all started. One day, my friends and I were eating pizza, and I started feeling sick. A gross feeling of fullness and a loss of self-control washed over me, and I hated it. I remembered several verses about gluttony, and how the Lord warned against it. True, I wanted to please the Lord, but I think I was much more concerned about my pride and my self-control than the fact that I had sinned against Holy God.

Honestly, I had been listening to the world a lot, too. I had heard a lot about families in Africa who eat only one time per day. From the internet, I was bombarded with how much exercise everyone should get each day, how little people should eat, and how to never finish a meal. Finally, the dining halls kept assuring me that the best way to eat was to eat a lot of stuff with essentially no calories at all. Combine all of this counsel from everywhere but the Lord, and this is a recipe for disaster!

Ironically, all the research and dwelling on health led me down a path straight to death. I determined that I would have a certain amount of calories a day, exercise more, and “be disciplined.” My weight was never an issue, but I wanted to live a “healthy” life and not become one who simply loses control. If only I had listened to the Lord and what He desired for my life and my body, then I would have saved myself a lot of struggle. 

-20ish lbs

After one semester of eating partial meals, jogging and dancing harder than all others in my classes, obsessively exercising whenever I could, and essentially paying penance for any sins to my new god, I had lost a lot of weight. I rationalized it saying that if all people lived “healthily,” they would be tiny, too. I enjoyed the idea of being rebellious against the overindulgence of my culture. Though I’m not sure of the exact number, I lost at least twenty pounds, dropping from a very healthy 120lbs to around 95. I was a skeleton, but I was pleased. . . kind of. . .

I began to realize how much it was consuming my thoughts, but I brushed off the voice of the Holy Spirit. As long as I thought I was in control, I didn’t care. All along, there were deadly partial truths I believed. Satan would bring to mind a verse from God’s Word out of context, and I would nod my head in agreement. “Did God really say . . . ? Surely, you will not die . . . ,” he would whisper. I longed so much to make the one true God happy, but I didn’t see I was only appeasing the god of self.

I had forgotten the most basic truth of knowing Christ: “He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:5, NASB). Soon, my eating habits became a way to earn back the grace God had already given to me as His child. If only I ate well, then God would be happy. He would see just how much I was doing for Him and smile at me. Then, I would be super spiritual, gaining a couple extra gold stars in heaven. Yes, there’s no wrong in working to please God. However, my motives were completely skewed. I wanted to live radically, counter-culturally for Christ, but at heart, I was a Pharisee. I am a Pharisee more often than I would like to admit.

It wasn’t until later that I seriously thought twice about what I was doing. Many people began to comment on my weight loss, and I was scaring myself at times, too. I remember waiting in hunger pains for the time I had prescribed a snack. Once, I woke up starving in the middle of the night. I grabbed an apple and mourned over what I had become as I reluctantly bit into it. By this time, however, I didn’t know how to stop. I did not know what was normal or healthy anymore. I knew I was not where I should be with the Lord, either, so I ignored His calling to lay everything aside. I was obsessed, and it is ONLY the Lord’s doing that could have brought me out of this place. Fortunately, He never left me. Unfortunately, this struggle continues and so does this story.

As I went home, I was confronted more and more with people who kept telling me how horrific I looked. I knew, I really did, but how was I to explain what had happened? So honestly, I lied. I said that enough walking on campus and a new emphasis on eating well was what did it. Most people probably didn’t buy it, but that was the answer I gave, and it was a sort of truth. I knew I had a problem, though, so I turned to the Lord for help . . . kind of. I said that I would give my eating habits over to Him, but I kept the practice for myself. I would not completely give over the control that I thought I had. In retrospect, I have never been more out of control in my life.

But this led to a new whole new chapter of my story. I wanted to gain weight, but I was afraid. Weight, the one thing I had never previously cared about in my life, became a marker of obedience. I ate a bit more, prayed, and poured into God’s Word, but I began to exercise even more. In so doing, I was still living for the god of control.

Later, I traveled to Canada as a church intern, but my problems became worse. The family I lived with had a lot of children and a tight budget. So, I saw it as a service to this family not to be a burden in any way. I replaced my exercising time with time spent with the Lord. Still, I was not taking care of the Holy Spirit’s temple, because I refused to eat much at all.

When I returned home, I was still in this mindset. I know there are so many people in the world with nothing, and I wanted to spend myself on behalf of them. The last thing I wanted to do was eat food which could go to someone else, even if it wouldn’t. My heart was heavy for those who are hungry, and my provision for them was to not provide for myself. I felt guilty for being blessed instead of properly thanking God for the things with which He has blessed me. Now, it sounds ridiculous, but the lies we allow ourselves to believe often stretch just that far.

Now, my problem was that I wore my mistakes every day. I hated hugs that I once loved, because they were usually followed by a remark about the feel of my bones. I hated a kind hand on my back, where my spine and ribs protruded. I thought everyone knew my issues without me even saying a word, and I hated it. I wore the truth like a scarlet letter. Never before had I loathed my appearance so much. Ironically, my attempts to be healthy and strong only made me weaker.

Even more ironically, I let people’s opinion lead me into the very thing I hated the most from the beginning: gluttony. Every time someone would poke or prod at my skeletal figure, I became anxious. Once again, I did not trust the Lord to allow me to gain weight naturally, so I would eat myself sick to prove them wrong. Afterwards, I would pay penance to the health god I had constructed by eating less later or exercising more. Discrediting God’s faithfulness in my struggle and His unyielding grace through it all, I was a Pharisee, following my laws and missing God’s plan. I am a Pharisee more than I like to admit.

Forgetting the two laws that Jesus declared as the core of everything, I did not love the one, true God with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I was not putting others before myself. I was attempting to somehow merit the grace that I did nothing to gain in the first place. If only I could ______ enough, then God would be pleased with me.

What I failed to see that He was ALREADY PLEASED WITH ME!!! All God wants is for me to love Him, following Him with all my might (Deuteronomy 6:5, 10:12, 11:1, Leviticus 18:30, Micah 6:8, Joshua 23:11). Yes, God is holy. He is just and righteous and worthy of great fear, but He is also loving and infinitely gracious. He doesn’t leave us alone to live this life, either. As Christians, we’re not only given a new nature, a clean slate, a relationship with the Father, but also we have the Holy Spirit. He guides us in God’s will every day if we would only listen to Him!

One huge thing the Lord taught me through this struggle is the fact that I am not above any sin. It is only by His grace that I am alive, today. It is only by His grace that I am made right with God. Those of us blessed to come to know Him at a young age should rejoice in it and thank Him every day that we did not have to learn many things the hard way. All people have the same sinful nature, and it is ONLY by the grace of God that I am not the serial killer, the glutton, the adulteress, or the thief that I declare I would never become. That’s the beauty of the Church: we’re just a bunch of patched us misfits for God’s glory. I am no better than the next person, and I have seen that. Humanly, I am no different than those who don’t know Him, except for the fact that the Holy Spirit finally made His truth click in my mind. Praise Him for it!

Like I said, it's been quite some time since this has been fresh, but the healing process still isn’t easy. I have to continually pray for guidance, because I don’t even know how to live. I cannot understand the one crucial thing that everyone can do: to eat normally. The only way I have found to live (in general, but especially with this) is to give it over to Christ, to trust my identity in Him. He will take care of me. Control and weight is no longer my focus. I’ve got a race to run. 

present day